I hope you guys had a great Halloween. Maybe it was fun, or drunk, or even spooky. But it probably wasn’t as weird as it got on Sunday night. Or as weird as this LM note, Game of Thrones style!
Matchup of the Week: It’s On Like GRONKey Kong vs. Team Sexy DC Bitches
I’ve said “this was one of the closest matchups we’ve ever had” a lot in recent weeks. I’ll admit, I’ve probably abused that phrase. I promise to stop saying that, after this last time, because I can absolutely guarantee that this week’s Matchup of the Week really is the closest matchup we’ve ever had!
In Week 4, Tom Brady and the Patriots looked horrible after getting spanked by the Kansas City Chiefs on Monday Night Football. That’s right about when Kristine rage-quit and just dropped Brady to the waiver wire. Well, KJ was the lucky guy to pick Touchdown Tommy up, and he’s been on a tear ever since. Tom Brady has averaged 3.6 TDs and 37.6 fantasy points each week since. And Brady’s top receiver? Why it’s the ultimate bro Rob Gronkowski, of course! GRONK, who happens to be KJ’s team namesake, is the top reason why the Pats are playing so well, averaging 26 fantasy points a week.
While KJ has the dangerous duo of Brady/GRONK, Jen has her own 1-2 punch of Andrew Luck and TY Hilton. The Indianapolis Colts stars have been quite a sneaky play for Jen. Andrew Luck was actually the 2nd QB drafted by Jen this year (next to Drew Brees), and no one expected TY Hilton to be this good and this consistent. Nevertheless, Andrew Luck has thrown over 300 yards every week except in Week 2, and TY Hilton averages over 20 fantasy points a game, and seemingly always catches a spectacular touchdown each week.
Sunday started to look like a blowout. Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski wiped the floor with the Denver Broncos, totaling 68 points between them. Marshawn Lynch BEAST-moded himself into the endzone twice against the Oakland Raiders, adding another 2 TDs and 31 points. By Sunday night, KJ was up 166 – 128.
Jen still had the good ol’ Luck/Hilton combo on Monday night. Andrew Luck continued his streak of great games, throwing for 354 yards, 4 TDs, and 41 fantasy points. One of those TDs went to TY Hilton, who put up 17 himself. KJ countered because he had Adam Vinatieri reaping the rewards of the Luck-driven offense, and put up 20 points himself.
The final score? 186 – 186. Jen comes back from 38 point deficit, to tie the game. It’s kind of anti-climactic, but see, I told you this was the closest game ever. I guess both teams could have done better. KJ started the Chargers D/ST for -7 points, while Jen left a defensive player in with a BYE. No one can say that neither didn’t control their own destiny. Until now. May the Old Gods (and the New) of Stat Corrections have mercy on both Jen and KJ’s souls.
Matchup of the WEAK: The Bad Assets vs. RaShake It Off, RaShake It Off
Week 9 was a BYE week for a lot of teams: the Bears, Packers, Lions, Bills, Falcons, and Titans. It was one of only three weeks (along with weeks 4 and 10) with six teams gone. So one can imagine how hard it might be to put together a solid lineup.
Being the great fantasy owner he is, JJ decided to not manage his BYE weeks well, drafting four of his top five draft picks with a Week 9 BYE. Adding to that, three more of his starters were out with injuries. For years, JJ has been in the business of hoarding injured runningbacks and waiting for them to get better just in time for playoffs, and this year was no exception (Rashad Jennings, Ryan Mathews). But with the reduced bench size this year, JJ had no backup QB or TE to replace his injured starters, so he was left scraping the bottom of the waiver wire barrel.
For those of you who aren’t aware of what the bottom of the waiver wire barrel looks like, here is who was available to replace the injured Tony Romo for JJ:
- Austin Davis, Sam Bradford’s backup QB who was facing the 49ers D/ST on the road
- Derek Carr, the Oakland Raiders’ overrated rookie QB who was facing the Seahawks D/ST on the road
- Mike Glennon, of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
- Teddy Bridgewater, the rookie QB of the Minnesota Vikings
- Michael Vick, the old QB of the New York Jets who replaced Geno Smith because Geno Smith is so bad. Also, he was facing the Chiefs D/ST.
- Brandon Weeden, who was so embarrassingly bad in Cleveland that the Browns booted him and now he plays for the Cowboys. Also, they were playing the Cardinals D/ST. Also, the Cardinals now have the best record in the NFL.
I’m not sure what JJ was thinking at the time or how long his Halloween hangover lasted, but of course, he decided to choose Brandon Weeden.
The same Brandon Weeden who did this:
Stef also had her own problems. Six of her Week 8 starters were on BYE, including Aaron Rodgers, Eddie Lacy, and Steven Jackson. Although she made some moves this past week, she mostly said “Fuck it, I DGAF” and just left her BYE week players in. Or maybe it was hubris. In any case, Stef kept her starting lineup without both of her runningbacks or a defense.
So, on to the matchup. I can’t really go into too much detail on what happened here, because really, nothing happened. Stef got zero total points from her runningbacks and D/ST, since she had none. Her two starting WRs scored 5 total points. Her backup QB, Cam Newton, put up a paltry 13 points. I guess the highlight of her weekend was Emmanuel Sanders, who put up a 28 point day for the Broncos.
You would think that with a three-player advantage, JJ would have this in the bag, but Brandon Weeden said, “Nay.” He threw 2 INTs and scored only 8 points. JJ’s waiver wire WR, Allen Robinson, scored only 6 points, and it’s probably because Allen Robinson plays for the Jaguars. And JJ’s backup TE, Tim Wright of the New England Patriots, somehow didn’t record a single catch in the Pats’ blowout of the Broncos, even though GRONK, Julian Edelman, Brandon Lafell, and Shane Vereen were fantasy gold. In short, when you’re top scorer is a kicker that gets you 14 points, you’re screwed.
Neither team scored over 100 points, which in this league, is pathetic. In fact, JJ and Stef scored the 3rd and 4th lowest scores in the league all season, respectively. So even while she’s three players down, Stef wins this humiliating and absurdly pitiful matchup, 97.5 – 91. Kinda tough to say that Jen and KJ both tied for the most points this week, but don’t get a win, while Stef comes out with the 4th lowest score all year and does, but hey, that’s fantasy football.
5 (or more) Things More Pathetic Than Stef and JJ’s Week 9 Matchup:
When football players just can’t hold on to the ball.
Really, really bad basketball.
Tinder pick-up lines that spiral out of control but then work anyway.
Comedians that bomb. Also, People from Jersey Shore. Twofer!
The ending of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Well, the whole movie, really.
HOLIDAY BONUS: Songs produced by Patrice Wilson.
Bob’s Roethlisbergers vs. Reverse Mormon
This matchup reached Red Wedding levels of slaughter. The 11 lowest performing people on Sue’s team scored fewer points that Chryst’ls QB Ben Roethlisberger, who has been fantasy gold these last two weeks. In fact, he was named the AFC offensive player of the week for the second consecutive week, and set an NFL record for most TDs in two straight games (12). Not bad for an alleged rapist with stiff jaw!
Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team vs. Don’t Touch My Spork
Gabe picked up Jeremy Hill as a free agent, so this was more ill-fated than a new appointment as Hand of the King. Nonetheless, Mary put up a pretty good fight with Hoyer doing unexpectedly well despite his two INTs, and Arian Foster and Mohamed Sanu scoring 21 fantasy points each. Then the Ravens let the Steelers ravage them like the Thenns on an unarmed village. Even K Shaun Suisham and punter Brad Wing got aggressive.
To the Ravens’ credit, they managed to get 2 fantasy points from a punt return TD, fumble recovery, and a trio of consecutive sacks (lol…sacks). But Gabe takes the win (again) and Mary loses her first fantasy game against someone she’s dating.
Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. Team Leung
The remaining Starks will reunite before Evan takes Matt Prater off his lineup, I swear. While this was an easy victory for Steen, it was also a commendable performance overall and that shouldn’t be ignored. Julian Edelman gave her 39 points, Jeremy Maclin gave her 40 (158 Yds and 2 TDs!), and Joe Flacco still managed to eke out 2 TDs and a 300+ yd game. You get all the lemon cakes, Steen!
White Welkers vs. The Newcummers
John’s team seems to have about as much life in them as the White Walkers after whom it was named. And they seem to be knocked down as many times as Wes Welker, too. But like the Tyrells that don’t play a large part until season 2, the Newcummers are climbing their way to the Iron Championship. Even with Philip Rivers throwing for just 138 yards, including 3 INTs and not a TD to show for it, The Newcummers bested their foe with the help of DeSean Jackson, the 49ers D/ST and HOLY HELL ANTONIO BROWN. I just spent the last 10 min. trying to find a single gif and came up empty, so you can have this.
SERIOUSLY. It’s in double digit weeks now. Don’t make me get the hound on you. If you truly don’t want to pay through VenMo, contact one of the LM’s directly and figure it out. Here is who needs to pay:
Don’t make me get the hound on you.