I hope you guys had a great Halloween. Maybe it was fun, or drunk, or even spooky. But it probably wasn’t as weird as it got on Sunday night. Or as weird as this LM note, Game of Thrones style!

Matchup of the Week: It’s On Like GRONKey Kong vs. Team Sexy DC Bitches

I’ve said “this was one of the closest matchups we’ve ever had” a lot in recent weeks. I’ll admit, I’ve probably abused that phrase. I promise to stop saying that, after this last time, because I can absolutely guarantee that this week’s Matchup of the Week really is the closest matchup we’ve ever had!

In Week 4, Tom Brady and the Patriots looked horrible after getting spanked by the Kansas City Chiefs on Monday Night Football. That’s right about when Kristine rage-quit and just dropped Brady to the waiver wire. Well, KJ was the lucky guy to pick Touchdown Tommy up, and he’s been on a tear ever since. Tom Brady has averaged 3.6 TDs and 37.6 fantasy points each week since. And Brady’s top receiver? Why it’s the ultimate bro Rob Gronkowski, of course! GRONK, who happens to be KJ’s team namesake, is the top reason why the Pats are playing so well, averaging 26 fantasy points a week.

Tom Brady to GRONK for the one-handed catch. This shit happens pretty much every week.

While KJ has the dangerous duo of Brady/GRONK, Jen has her own 1-2 punch of Andrew Luck and TY Hilton. The Indianapolis Colts stars have been quite a sneaky play for Jen. Andrew Luck was actually the 2nd QB drafted by Jen this year (next to Drew Brees), and no one expected TY Hilton to be this good and this consistent. Nevertheless, Andrew Luck has thrown over 300 yards every week except in Week 2, and TY Hilton averages over 20 fantasy points a game, and seemingly always catches a spectacular touchdown each week.

Sunday started to look like a blowout. Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski wiped the floor with the Denver Broncos, totaling 68 points between them. Marshawn Lynch BEAST-moded himself into the endzone twice against the Oakland Raiders, adding another 2 TDs and 31 points. By Sunday night, KJ was up 166 – 128.

There is a BEAST in this man, and it stirs when you put a football in his hand.

Jen still had the good ol’ Luck/Hilton combo on Monday night. Andrew Luck continued his streak of great games, throwing for 354 yards, 4 TDs, and 41 fantasy points. One of those TDs went to TY Hilton, who put up 17 himself. KJ countered because he had Adam Vinatieri reaping the rewards of the Luck-driven offense, and put up 20 points himself.

Andrew Luck to TY Hilton? You guys aren’t so bad yourselves.

The final score? 186 – 186. Jen comes back from 38 point deficit, to tie the game. It’s kind of anti-climactic, but see, I told you this was the closest game ever. I guess both teams could have done better. KJ started the Chargers D/ST for -7 points, while Jen left a defensive player in with a BYE. No one can say that neither didn’t control their own destiny. Until now. May the Old Gods (and the New) of Stat Corrections have mercy on both Jen and KJ’s souls.

Matchup of the WEAK: The Bad Assets vs. RaShake It Off, RaShake It Off

Week 9 was a BYE week for a lot of teams: the Bears, Packers, Lions, Bills, Falcons, and Titans. It was one of only three weeks (along with weeks 4 and 10) with six teams gone. So one can imagine how hard it might be to put together a solid lineup.

Being the great fantasy owner he is, JJ decided to not manage his BYE weeks well, drafting four of his top five draft picks with a Week 9 BYE. Adding to that, three more of his starters were out with injuries. For years, JJ has been in the business of hoarding injured runningbacks and waiting for them to get better just in time for playoffs, and this year was no exception (Rashad Jennings, Ryan Mathews). But with the reduced bench size this year, JJ had no backup QB or TE to replace his injured starters, so he was left scraping the bottom of the waiver wire barrel.

Please get better, Ryan Mathews, please.

For those of you who aren’t aware of what the bottom of the waiver wire barrel looks like, here is who was available to replace the injured Tony Romo for JJ:

  • Austin Davis, Sam Bradford’s backup QB who was facing the 49ers D/ST on the road
  • Derek Carr, the Oakland Raiders’ overrated rookie QB who was facing the Seahawks D/ST on the road
  • Mike Glennon, of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
  • Teddy Bridgewater, the rookie QB of the Minnesota Vikings
  • Michael Vick, the old QB of the New York Jets who replaced Geno Smith because Geno Smith is so bad. Also, he was facing the Chiefs D/ST.
  • Brandon Weeden, who was so embarrassingly bad in Cleveland that the Browns booted him and now he plays for the Cowboys. Also, they were playing the Cardinals D/ST. Also, the Cardinals now have the best record in the NFL.

I’m not sure what JJ was thinking at the time or how long his Halloween hangover lasted, but of course, he decided to choose Brandon Weeden.

The same Brandon Weeden who did this:

Also, this:

Stef also had her own problems. Six of her Week 8 starters were on BYE, including Aaron Rodgers, Eddie Lacy, and Steven Jackson. Although she made some moves this past week, she mostly said “Fuck it, I DGAF” and just left her BYE week players in. Or maybe it was hubris. In any case, Stef kept her starting lineup without both of her runningbacks or a defense.

So, on to the matchup. I can’t really go into too much detail on what happened here, because really, nothing happened. Stef got zero total points from her runningbacks and D/ST, since she had none. Her two starting WRs scored 5 total points. Her backup QB, Cam Newton, put up a paltry 13 points. I guess the highlight of her weekend was Emmanuel Sanders, who put up a 28 point day for the Broncos.

You would think that with a three-player advantage, JJ would have this in the bag, but Brandon Weeden said, “Nay.” He threw 2 INTs and scored only 8 points. JJ’s waiver wire WR, Allen Robinson, scored only 6 points, and it’s probably because Allen Robinson plays for the Jaguars. And JJ’s backup TE, Tim Wright of the New England Patriots, somehow didn’t record a single catch in the Pats’ blowout of the Broncos, even though GRONK, Julian Edelman, Brandon Lafell, and Shane Vereen were fantasy gold. In short, when you’re top scorer is a kicker that gets you 14 points, you’re screwed.

So…this guy did alright on Sunday. 14 points? And this picture of him is pretty cool, too!

Neither team scored over 100 points, which in this league, is pathetic. In fact, JJ and Stef scored the 3rd and 4th lowest scores in the league all season, respectively. So even while she’s three players down, Stef wins this humiliating and absurdly pitiful matchup, 97.5 – 91. Kinda tough to say that Jen and KJ both tied for the most points this week, but don’t get a win, while Stef comes out with the 4th lowest score all year and does, but hey, that’s fantasy football.

5 (or more) Things More Pathetic Than Stef and JJ’s Week 9 Matchup:

When football players just can’t hold on to the ball.

Really, really bad basketball.

Tinder pick-up lines that spiral out of control but then work anyway.

Comedians that bomb. Also, People from Jersey Shore. Twofer!
The ending of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Well, the whole movie, really.

HOLIDAY BONUS: Songs produced by Patrice Wilson.

Quick Hits

Bob’s Roethlisbergers vs. Reverse Mormon

This matchup reached Red Wedding levels of slaughter. The 11 lowest performing people on Sue’s team scored  fewer points that Chryst’ls QB Ben Roethlisberger, who has been fantasy gold these last two weeks. In fact, he was named the AFC offensive player of the week for the second consecutive week, and set an NFL record for most TDs in two straight games (12). Not bad for an alleged rapist with stiff jaw!

Stretch it out, Big Ben. It’s not like they’re gonna do a close-up or anything.

Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

Gabe picked up Jeremy Hill as a free agent, so this was more ill-fated than a new appointment as Hand of the King. Nonetheless, Mary put up a pretty good fight with Hoyer doing unexpectedly well despite his two INTs, and Arian Foster and Mohamed Sanu scoring 21 fantasy points each. Then the Ravens let the Steelers ravage them like the Thenns on an unarmed village. Even K Shaun Suisham and punter Brad Wing got aggressive.

Poor #41

To the Ravens’ credit, they managed to get 2 fantasy points from a punt return TD, fumble recovery, and a trio of consecutive sacks (lol…sacks). But Gabe takes the win (again) and Mary loses her first fantasy game against someone she’s dating.

Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. Team Leung

The remaining Starks will reunite before Evan takes Matt Prater off his lineup, I swear. While this was an easy victory for Steen, it was also a commendable performance overall and that shouldn’t be ignored. Julian Edelman gave her 39 points, Jeremy Maclin gave her 40 (158 Yds and 2 TDs!), and Joe Flacco still managed to eke out 2 TDs and a 300+ yd game. You get all the lemon cakes, Steen!

If Sansa had Instagram, those would be her forreal hashtags, I’m sure.

White Welkers vs. The Newcummers

John’s team seems to have about as much life in them as the White Walkers after whom it was named. And they seem to be knocked down as many times as Wes Welker, too. But like the Tyrells that don’t play a large part until season 2, the Newcummers are climbing their way to the Iron Championship. Even with Philip Rivers throwing for just 138 yards, including 3 INTs and not a TD to show for it, The Newcummers bested their foe with the help of DeSean Jackson, the 49ers D/ST and HOLY HELL ANTONIO BROWN. I just spent the last 10 min. trying to find a single gif and came up empty, so you can have this.

Power Rankings



SERIOUSLY. It’s in double digit weeks now. Don’t make me get the hound on you. If you truly don’t want to pay through VenMo, contact one of the LM’s directly and figure it out. Here is who needs to pay:




Don’t make me get the hound on you.

Sarah Sanderson beckons you to harken unto this post.

Happy almost Halloween! And what startling results after Week 8. While the matchups themselves were by and large lamer than bobbing for apples (not a sexual euphemism), the impact of those matchups are kind of a big deal. Meanwhile in the NFL, this past Sunday featured A LOT of scoring, which only means more and more fantasy greatness! Tom Brady had a 5 touchdown day decimating the Bears, but was soon to be topped by Ben Roethlisbergers 6 touchdowns against the Colts. What results? A fuck-ton of fantasy points, of course, and it showed. I can’t remember a week that had so many points, and such close matchups.

Matchup of the Week: The Newcummers vs. It’s On Like Gronkey Kong

How do you match Tom Brady’s favorite target on Brady’s best game of the season? You start Ben Roethlisberger’s favorite target on a Roethlisberger’s career day! GRONK scored 3 TDs Sunday morning, giving KJ 46 points, but Donna came back with a 2 TD, 41 point game from Antonio Brown in the afternoon.


Before MNF, Donna was down to KJ 154 – 176, but Washington Redskins DeSean Jackson and Barry Church combined for 27.5 points to grab the win, 181.5 – 176. Interestingly enough, KJ would have easily won had he played Tom Brady, but I’m assuming he benched Touchdown Tommy out of loyalty to the Bears. Kind of a rough double whammy. Donna unseats KJ as the #1 team, while moving to 5-3 and separating herself from the pack of 4-3 teams.

Quick Hits

RaShake It Off, RaShake It Off vs. White Welkers

Thanks for that, Larry.

Close matchup, up until Bongratz got this sweet 80-yard TD from Larry Fitzgerald to seal the game. JJ’s only player left on Monday Night, Tony Romo, suffered a back injury and had to leave the game. Plus, you know, he’s Tony Romo.

Team Leung vs. Bob’s Roethlisbergers

This was a blowout. Evan didn’t set his lineup and lost Reggie Wayne to an injury and Vernon Davis to a BYE week. And the Colts were getting blown out by the Steelers so bad that Trent Richardson didn’t even get to play. Chryst’l won 163.5 – 106.5, although if she had started Ben Roethlisberger on his record setting 6 touchdown day, she easily could have broken 200.

There was a lot of this shit going on Chryst’ls bench on Sunday.

Reverse Mormon vs. Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team

Like I said, more of this shit.

The one low scoring matchup in a week with plenty of offensive firepower. Sue only puts up 105 points, and Gabe is able to overcome a -12 from starting the Colts D/ST to get the win and take back first place in the league.

Team Sexy DC Bitches vs. Don’t Make Me Get My Switch

I get jealous thinking about how Jen has both Drew Brees AND Andrew Luck. How can you let Brees’ 37 points go to waste on the bench when there are poor fantasy football-less children in Africa? Shame on you, Jen. It doesn’t matter though. Jen’s combo of Andrew Luck to TY Hilton has been making her a killing the last 3 weeks, and she just simply cannot be outscored.

Don’t Touch My Spork vs. The Bad Assets

Ben Roethlisberger has to throw touchdowns to someone, right? Emmanuel Sanders scores 3 touchdowns in the Steelers’ rout, earning Stef 42 fantasy points. Mary gets 43 from Arian Foster, but it’s not enough to overcome the 72 total points Stef gets from Aaron Rodgers and Eddie Lacy. Stef almost cracks the double benjamin mark, winning 199-180, and taking 1st place in the Pacific Division.

3 touchdowns and no win? Sorry, Arian Foster.

Playoff Projections

The standings last week were so close that this week’s matchups really shifted around the playoff projections. Take a look at the difference. There isn’t a single person in the same spot!

Wk7-Wk8 Standings

KJ was ahead of Gabe because of his head-to-head victory, but after losing this week, Gabe takes back first place and stands alone as the only 1-loss team. Stef ranked 5th overall last week in a pack of 4-3 teams, but after getting the top score of the week this week, she moves to 5-3 overall, 1st in the Pacific Division and 2nd overall. Chryst’l was 8th last week because she was 3-4, even though she had the 2nd most points scored in the league. This week, she won and passed Sue as the top scoring team, moving her ahead of the four other 4-4 teams into 5th place.

It just shows how competitive the league is. The upside to this is because most of the teams have such close records, making the playoffs this year is no guarantee for anyone, and there is still plenty of time to emerge victorious or entirely implode. And don’t forget that total points scored matter in the standings! Choose your lineups at your own risk!

Circle of Parity

A circle of parity is when everyone in a league has bested another team, but also been bested by another team. Am I explaining this correctly? Anyway, it’s a sign of healthy competition. We actually achieved this after Week 7 after Chryst’l beat Jen, but didn’t have time to discuss it in the LM note. Each team beat the team on the right, but was beaten by the team on the left.

Circle of Parity

Power Rankings

The obvious choice would be to make it Halloween-themed. But we do that every year. Also Marvel just shocked the internet by listing release dates for all of their movies until the second coming of Christ. Let’s talk about that instead.



LOL jk. It was pretty standard this week. But we got you to click! And to reward you for your loyalty, and to celebrate her new album coming out this week, guess who is the star of this week’s LM note.


Imma be honest with you guys. JJ and I both claimed a bye week for LM notes last week with the full intention of doing them this week; but we are still kind of recovering from vacation. This will be short.

Matchup of the Week 1: Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. The Newcummers

I love a good sibling rivalry, which is awesome because it happens a lot in this league. This battle between sisters (and also Raniel) turned out to be the closest one this week. Despite scoring majorly high points, Kristine has only notched one victory in Week 3. And despite average to above average performances each week, the Newcummers were 4-2.

For Kristine, Chris Ivory got things started right on Thursday with 107 RuYds and a TD against the Patriots. On Sunday, Joe Flacco was looking slightly less elite than he did last week with as many interceptions as Cutler. But 2 TDs and 258 YDS is not half bad. Jamaal Charles continued being the Chief’s saving grace, as well.

Things were decidedly more milquetoast for Madaniel. I mean yeah, they got 30 points between Leodis McKelvin and Barry Church. But LeSean McCoy was on bye and Knowshon Moreno was on IR. Antone Smith and Jonathan Stewart just couldn’t fill their shoes. The only thing that could have saved them was a miraculously good performance by Antonio Brown on MNF. They were so close, but just fell 7 points short.

A damn fine job, Steen. I mean, yeah, you’re still 2-5. But a subdued celebration is in order.

Matchup of the Week 2: Bob’s Roethlisbergers vs. The Sexy DC Bitches

You can’t tell right now because Chryst’l ended up with the biggest win of the week. But for a hot minute, this matchup was going to be close. The magic combination of Andrew Luck and T.Y. Hilton worked really well for Jen. But Chryst’l came in strong on Sunday night and basically bested the entire league.

I guess that’s what happens when you have two members of the Denver offense when Peyton Manning is gunning for a record.

Peyton Manning thew his 509th TD to Demariyus Thomas, setting a record…

And then his teammates played keepaway with it.

Quick Hits

The Bad Assets vs. Reverse Mormon

When you can pull out a win against Sue during a week that four of her players score 115 points, you’re just Gone With the Wind fabulous. Have yourself a twirl, Stef. 

 It’s On Like Gronkey Kong vs. RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off

I have Alshon Jeffrey and Jordan Cameron in my other league, and I know exactly how JJ feels about them this week.

Not so coincidentally, I also lost. Well, players gonna play play play play play. And in the meantime, just shake it off. I already put the video in a different LM note, so here’s here new one, co-written by the frontman for Bleachers. You can totally tell. It sounds like Taylor Swift singing a Bleachers song.

White Welkers vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

One day Jay Cutler will finally get it together and milk the full potential of that offensive line. But for now, I win this. Oh, and I learned my lesson about the Ravens D/ST and they rewarded me with 18 points. I’d like to dedicate this next track to the Steelers D/ST.

Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team vs. Team Leung

All anyone needs to know is that Evan didn’t set his lineup again.

Power Rankings


We are about halfway done with the season. In terms of the standings, we’ve got outliers on both ends of the spectrum and then kind of a deadlock in the middle.

Evan and John are at 1-6. John’s season has been hampered by the Bears underperforming this year, while Evan’s season has been hampered by not even looking at his team.

At the other end of the spectrum we have KJ and Gabe at 6-1. While Gabe has more points overall, he suffered his only loss to KJ by about 50 points.

In the middle we have five teams at 4-3 (The Newcummers, RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off, Reverse Mormon, The Bad Assets). Four of those teams are in the Pacific division. Three of those teams are Dacuma siblings.

Then we have the Sexy DC Bitches at 3-4, just a game behind. And despite having the third highest number of points in this league, Kristine is still only at 2-5.


No but seriously. Pay them if you haven’t. The season is half over.

I’m not really sure how to end this note, so here is a gratuitous photo of Taylor’s amazing cat Meredith.

I read a headline that Pizza Hut was bringing back their Book It! program for adults. If you have no clue what I am talking about, I am sad for your life. I am also sad for my life because what they are actually doing is having Book It! alums sign up for an email list and in exchange they get a coupon for one personal pizza. What a letdown.

Kind of like this week’s matchups. After last week’s heart-racing drama, this week was totally flat. Five matchups were completely decided by Sunday night by a large margin. And the only matchup that still even had a shot at being close ended in a 30 point margin. Oh well. At least we get to enjoy this totally 90’s post.

Matchup of the Week: Reverse Mormon vs. Team Leung

This was the only matchup that was up in the air on Monday morning. Evan has proven himself year after year to run a team that could be good once in a while without any effort. This week was his best thus far this season. He started off the morning strong with 100+ yd games from Ben Tate, DeMarco Murray and Vincent Jackson, combining for 68 points. And then the Denver game happened and holy crap Peyton Manning with 479 yds and 4 TDs. That was a whole 49 points!

This was Manning’s 1st TD of the game…but 500th passing TD of his career!

That’s already more points than some people have scored in an entire week. And his total score was actually the 5th highest this week.

But Sue’s team is good. Really good. After a few sizable efforts from Le’Veon Bell and Jordy Nelson, Greg Olsen had 2 TDs in the disappointing game against the Bears (yes this note is biased, no I don’t care), resulting in 26 points. Antonio Gates would give her two more that afternoon. And Phil Dawson was essentially flaw-free in San Francisco, going 6/6, including two 50+ yd FGs. By Monday, all Sue needed to do was get 16 points from Russell Wilson to win. And while the game was not the blowout that everyone thought it would be, Wilson still amassed 40 points in total for Sue, giving her the victory.

Matchup of the Week 2: RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off vs. The Newcummers

JJ started out very strong on Sunday morning with Julio Jones getting 11 catches for 105 points and 23 fantasy points, and then really reaped it in the afternoon. Tony Romo scored him 27 points in the battle to decide which Texas team was marginally less shitty than the other (Dallas won, no1curr). And despite losing the game, Matt Forte just ran all over the Panthers and even managed to get a Rec TD. Add that to another TD from Alshon Jeffery and you’ve got yourself a great week.

Get it Alshon! This moment was so cute.

You know who did not get a Rec TD, though? Brandon Marshall. And with weak contributions from both LeSean McCoy (again, I feel your pain), Chris Johnson and Jason Witten, not even DeSean Jackson’s 157 yds and TD could save the Newcummers.

Quick Hits:

Don’t Touch My Spork vs. The Sexy DC Bitches

See, this is why you play Arian Foster (but only when he is actually playing). Doing so in place of Doug Martin or Michael Floyd would have given Mary the win.

But instead, Surprise Kitten Panda continues her rebranding victory tour of the league.

It’s on Like Gronkey Kong vs. Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team

Holy crap, Gabe lost? That’s really the only takeaway you need from this matchup. Kevin finally overthrew Gabe with his most important super power.

And also because Marshawn Lynch, and Tom Brady and Gronkowski rekindling their on-field chemistry.

White Welkers vs. The Bad Assets

When you have Aaron Rodgers killing the Vikings, and Fat Eddie Lacy is actually running the ball, your opponents just don’t stand a chance. Steph easily wins this, no good luck treasure troll necessary.


Admit it, you’ve rubbed that belly and made a wish.

Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. Bob’s Roethlisbergers

Like the ugly member of NSYNC, Kristine just cannot catch a break. Of course she goes up against Chryst’l when she has the highest score of the week. Also, Kristine picked a bad week to let go of Tom Brady. Sorry girl. If I could, I would get you a genie in a bottle so you could wish for some victories.

Time Out

Can we just take a moment to appreciate this underrated Britney hit? There’s some football-related flirtation going on. There are also hair beads, frosted lip gloss, denim jackets with jeans, and flare pants. What were we thinking back then? Her hair still looks flawless, though.


Alright guys, it’s week 5, so it’s really time we settle this. Here are all the people who owe FF dues:








At this point, it doesn’t even matter how you get it to us. Although, a really easy way would be to sign up for Venmo using the link that JJ sent on Facebook, and then paying him $25. It all goes into a cash account that makes it easy to give back to the winners. Plus, there are no fees. So pay up! Say it with me guys!

Power Rankings



This was, without question, the most competitive week our league has ever seen (actually, there is some question, because I am too lazy to double check the stats; but it’s probably true). We have two matchups that came down to 1/2 a point, one of which was decided after a scoring change. And there were two more matchups decided by 10 points or less. Even the other two matchups were projected to be extremely close for quite a while. Look at our scores and projections from midday Sunday.


JJ channeled his feelings by detailing our two closest races this week. I seek to alleviate your anxiety with cute baby animals. (Also, Gabe is undefeated so I let him pick the theme this week).

Truth: hedgehogs love toilet paper rolls, idk why.

Matchup of the Week!

Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team vs. Don’t Make Me Get My Switch

Gabe has made some really good moves this season. He’s had to deal with having the two NFL posterboys for domestic abuse on his team, but since then has revamped his team for the better. He picked up Matt Asiata right when the Adrian Peterson allegations surfaced, and this past week, he also put in waiver claims for Larry Donnell and the Miami Dolphins D/ST.

On Thursday night, the Giants embarrassed the Redskins, and Larry Donnell scored on 3 TDs for 31 total points. Not bad for a Wednesday morning waiver pickup. Then on Sunday, Matt Asiata scored Gabe another 3 TDs and 31 points, after reportedly being fired up like a frat boy from some texts Adrian Peterson sent the team about playing every game like it’s their last. Let’s not forget that before this game, Asiata had 3 TDs his entire career, so that production was a bit unexpected. Not so unexpected was Dolphins D/ST scoring 18 points, which is probably less of a compliment toward the Miami Dolphins, and more of a statement of how shitty the Oakland Raiders are. What’s new, right? The Raiders have since fired their head coach after starting 0-4.

Touchdown Thursday

Gabe finished Sunday with 171.5 points. Kristine, however, only had 101 points on Sunday night, but still had 4 players left to play on MNF. At the time, projections said she’d score 180-something points, but I thought that was pretty lofty. Projections always tend to be a bit inflated.

The Kansas City Chiefs smoked the Patriots like they were making Kansas City barbeque. Jamaal Charles scored 3 touchdowns 3 TDs for 32 points, and Travis Kelce, who Kristine picked up Thursday morning, went 8/93/1 for 24 points. Then, Tom Brady threw a 44-yard TD pass to Brandon LaFell, which was enough to put Kristine up 172 – 171.5. What a finish! I had to let her know how awesome I thought her dramatic win was over the only undefeated team in the league.

Jinxing Kristine

Unfortunately for Kristine, I had jinxed her. Monday was actually one of Brady’s worst games in his career, and the following drive, threw an interception, which knocked her back down to 170 points. Sorry, Kristine.

Not cool, Tom.

Bad Luck JJ

At some point, Julian Edelman returned a punt and scored some points, and brought Kristine’s score back up to 173, so she ended up winning! A fine celebration was in order.


Until Monday, of course, when for whatever reason, Kristine got stat corrected and loses two points from Jeremy Maclin, ending up with only 171 points. Gabe picked up the win 171.5 – 171, in what I can remember as the most dramatic matchup in league history. Gabe is still in 1st place and tied for the most points, and Kristine goes from potentially being 2-2 and in 3rd place to somehow being 1-3 and in 9th place, even though she has the 3rd most points in the league. I feel like that happens to her every year. I dunno.

Stat Correction

Baby chimpanzee feels your frustration.


Matchup of the Week 2!

The Bad Assets vs. Ben’s Roethlisbergers

Chryst’l started the week at 1-2, and was starting to lose hope in her team. Week 4 didn’t look like it would make anything better, as most of her starters had a BYE week (mostly because most of her starters are Seahawks), and she had to bring the entire bench out for the game.

At least Chryst'l didn't leave any points on the bench!

At least Chryst’l didn’t leave any points on the bench!

Stef started out well. The Packers destroyed the Bears offensively, and as Aaron Rodgers couldn’t stop throwing TDs, Stefanie continued to rake in the points. Together Rodgers, Eddie Lacy, and Mason Crosby scored her 63 points. However, Chryst’ls team put up a fight. Ben Roethlisberger had a great day against the Buccaneers, throwing 3 TDs and scoring 30 points. Former Seahawk Golden Tate had a great day as well, stealing all of Calvin Johnson’s catches and scoring 23 points.

By Sunday night, Stef was up, 159.5 – 150. Chryst’l had Shane Vereen left, playing on MNF, while Stef’s only player was Carlos Dunlap, a Bengals DE on a BYE week! Chryst’l needed 10 points to take the win. And as we all know, the Patriots-Chiefs game was pretty one-sided. Since we deduct 1 point from each player who loses a game, Chryst’l really needed Vereen to get 11 points. But he got there! And then this happened.

Pretty cool, Tom.

After that, Belichick punted the game and just benched all of his starters. Vereen took his 11 points to the bank, and never got the opportunity to fumble it away. Chryst’l takes the win, 160 – 159.5.

Chryst’ls face while watching MNF.

Quick Hits

The White Welkers vs. It’s On Like Gronkey Kong

Ah, John. Your intense Bears fandom deserves respect and applause. But starting the Bears D/ST playing Green Bay may not have been your best move. That coupled with Jay Cutler’s interceptions means he just barely misses the victory.

Womp womp. Sorry John.

At least Bongratz kept it close against KJ in this low-scoring matchup. Until GRONK.


Fuck Gronk!

Team Leung vs. The Newcummers

I feel your pain, Madaniel. I have LeSean McCoy in a different league and it’s just the worst. I had first pick, too! What a waste. But wtf happened to DeSean Jackson? And the Panther’s D/ST was also not the greatest idea. Anyway, let’s just say it’s a good thing you were playing Evan (who, btw, has yet to look at his lineup).

The power of teamwork.

Reverse Mormon vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

You can’t tell from the final score, but these seesters were neck and neck for quite a while. That was until Mary got enough points from Blair Walsh (!) and Keenan Allen to pull away. Perhaps things would have been different if two of San Diego’s TDs went to Antonio Gates instead of Eddie Royal. I mean, seriously, Eddie Royal? WTF NOBODY IS CHECKING FOR YOU, EDDIE.


Eddie Royal was like…

And he should’ve been like…


The Sexy DC Bitches vs. RaShake It Off, RaShake it Off

When Jen said she would never again draft all the Redskins as her fantasy team came to play this year, she was for real. JJ didn’t even have a bad week – maybe a little weak defensively, but still some very strong contributions from the Texans D/ST, Tony Romo, and Matt Forte running all up and down the Green Bay defense. Jen just had an amazing team! 41.5 points from Andrew Luck, who I guess tackled somebody? 30+ from Randall Cobb and Frank Gore. And look at Heath Miller doing things. Jen has the biggest win this week. And I’m still going to tease her about the Redskins D/ST getting her negative points.

Baby hedgehog yawns at this matchup.

Trophies and Awards

We have trophies in this league! And if you look on the “League” tab, it will list the weekly trophy winners in the league activity feed. We have four trophies automatically assigned to the week’s top scorer, biggest winner, lowest scorer, and biggest loser.

Not that kind of Biggest Loser. But you also don’t get to meet Drew Brees.

And whenever I have extra time on my hands every now and again, we will hand out one-off trophies to spectacular(ly bad) moves.

The first trophy goes to Evan for Biggest Bench Fail of the Week for playing the wrong Manning. He played the Manning who was on bye, while the Thursday Night Football Manning scored 44 fantasy points.

The second trophy goes to Kristine for Best Use of Lord of the Rings References for the exchange above and also for saying “too long has he sat on my bench” re: starting Steve Smith Sr. this week. Everyone else in this league better step up their game.

Surprise Poll

Who is cuter? Our first option is Tom Brady’s backup because WHAT.

The second option is Joseph Fauria’s pomeranian-husky mix puppy, who was peeing on the floor when Fauria fell down the stairs trying to stop it, thus causing a high ankle sprain.

His name is Lil Rufio and you can follow him on Instagram.

Power Rankings

I’ve given you your baby spirit animals, guys.


And since you can’t embed photos in power rankings…


League Announcements

DUES! Pay them. Or I shall name some names. Download the Venmo app if you haven’t and just pay the $25. And at some point I am putting everyone on What’sApp because trash talking is more fun when everyone does it.

Mind your bye weeks.


This past Saturday, HBO released their special edition recording of the Bey+J’s On the Run Tour as was taped in Paris (and other locations, if you were paying attention to their really shitty editing). Finally, I have the excuse I needed to post as many Beyonce-related things as possible. Warning: you may be overwhelmed. Second warning: This might not be the only time this happens. I promise you NOTHING.

Matchup of the Week 1: The Newcummers vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

Madaniel has been crushing it, making the rest of the league wonder if two heads are really better than one (because Madonna actually does help with the lineup, you know):


Mary was in dire straits from the beginning, projected to lose by about 30 points. It didn’t help that she played Arian Foster, who was out. And Matthew Stafford was  a comedy of errors against the Packers – not a TD to his name, 2 INTs and 1 FUM. Madaniel fared much better Sunday morning with a beautiful revenge TD from newly-minted Redskin DeSean Jackson, and 24 points from Philip Rivers laying the hurt on the Bills. They suffered somewhat of a setback by playing the Panther’s D/ST (losing 9 points in the process), but got a 2 TD game out of Antonio Brown.

Despite having strong, though not remarkable, contributions from the rest of her offensive players (including Blair Walsh, who scored all of the Vikings’ points that day), Mary’s chances of overthrowing The Newcummers were slim. She was down 15 points on Monday with only Martellus Bennett left to play, while Madaniel had both Brandon Marshall and Chris Johnson. All was nearly lost when Marshall scored a TD. But a sudden twist of fate – Marshall’s TD was recalled due to a penalty, and Martellus Bennett ended up scoring a TD instead, causing a 12 point swing in Mary’s favor. Bennett would later score another TD, while an injured Marshall and Chris Johnson would see very little action. In a surprising turn of events, Mary hands Madaniel their very first loss.

That’s cool though. Raniel apparently got Donna Jimmy Butler for their 2 year anniversary. And that’s almost as good.

jimmy butler

This was a pretty awesome present, NGL. And I bet Raniel totally planned it.

Matchup of the Week 2: Sexy DC Bitches vs. Reverse Mormon

Sue and Jen are super cute together at all times. But Jen made it very clear that their matchup was serious business.


It was a bloody battle between these besties – the two of them are both down a player! Pitta injured his hip and left the game with only 4 points for Jen and is now on IR. Tyvon Branch managed to score Sue 7.5 points before fracturing his foot. He’s expected to be put on IR any minute now.

The vast majority of Jen’s team underperformed. All her offensive players outside of her QB and Flex scored between 0-8 points. And none of her defensive players scored more than 9.5. But hark! Andrew Luck with his 43 points! And then Greg Jennings and Stephen Gotskowski with 11 apiece. Would it be enough?

Nope. 2 TDs from Russel Wilson, 147 YDS from Le’Veon Bell and another TD from Greg Olsen were enough to tip Sue over the edge. Sue takes the win and Jen takes her team…

Quick Hits

Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. The Bad Assets

Kristine’s a survivor. She’s not gon’ give up. She’s not gon’ stop. She’s gon’ work harder. Case in point: her very first win this year!

RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off vs. Team Leung

Someone better ring the alarm, because Evan isn’t awake yet. JJ takes the win and nobody is surprised.

“He didn’t set his lineup AGAIN?!”

Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team vs. White Welkers

Gabe handled the White Welkers with more deft than Samwell Tarly handled the White Walkers (or anything really). Gabe becomes the only undefeated person in the league thus far. OH btw, we can totally call him Dr. Gabe Ferguson now, and I feel like we should sometimes, if only for the LOLs.

Raise a glass to the college grad!

It’s On Like Gronkey Kong vs. Bob’s Roethlisbergers

Girls may run the world, but Chryst’l must’ve bumped her head. KJ rebounds from his deplorable showing last week to taking an easy victory.

Power Rankings


Troll Trades (from JJ)

Earlier this week, I placed Brandon Marshall on my trading block. Not the Brandon Marshall who’s an awesome wide receiver for the Chicago Bears, but the linebacker Brandon Marshall from the Denver Broncos who was playing on the practice squad last year. But eh, who actually knows who that guy is? It wouldn’t be the first time people confused the two Brandon Marshalls.

I wondered who would actually recognize Bronco Marshall if they saw him in a trade offer. So I sent trade offers to about half the league to try and swing him for a better player. Of course, if I were trading the Brandon Marshall from the Bears, it would be an obvious win for the other team. But I’m trading the Brandon Marshall from the Broncos, so it’s a pretty clear trade rape. Who’s gonna notice anyway?
Here’s a screenshot of some of the trades I sent out:
Troll Trades
I thought I was sure to get someone, up until Kristine publicly outed me.
Troll Trades FB
Oh well, I wouldn’t have accepted the trade anyway if someone had fell for it. I was more excited to dabble in some name shenanigans. I mean, can you believe it I could score both Brandon Marshalls? What about if I had both Browns TE Jordan Cameron and Saints DE Cameron Jordan?!
Moral of the story: trades are out there. The best ones are when both teams are happy. Go try one.

League Announcements

So far, only three people have paid their dues, and a majority of this league hasn’t even downloaded/signed up for Venmo. Do that. Then pay your dues. Failure to do so by next week’s LM note will result in you being called out.

Also, bye weeks are going to be a thing between now and Week 12. Please mind the byes or I will send some enforcers to embarrass you on Facebook coerce you.

Like this one. EVAN.




Hide Your Wife, Hide Your Kids

Posted: September 18, 2014 in Uncategorized

Was that too soon?

Okay fine. Let’s get straight to it then.

Quick Hits (No Pun Intended)

Matchup of the Week: Don’t Touch My Spork vs. Team Leung

After a solid start with the Ravens D/ST on Thursday, Mary went stagnant Sunday morning with disappointing performances from Cordarrelle Patterson, Michael Floyd and Lamar Miller, who left the game in the 4th quarter with an inury. And for all of Blair Walsh’s good looks and accuracy, none of that matters when the team can’t even get into field goal range. In fact, because of the MIN loss and DEN victory, Evan’s K Matt Prater scored more points than Walsh, and Prater didn’t even play. Meanwhile, Demarco Murray ran all over TEN, and Peyton Manning did Peyton Manning-y things like throwing 3 TDs, giving Evan a really solid lead. But Morgan Burnett came up big for Mary, and Martellus Bennett managed to grab a TD in the CHI comeback on SNF.

I totally called this before it happened. Sue and Gabe were there and can vouch for me.

Evan’s hopes all rested with Reggie Wayne and Trent Richardson. Sadly, neither managed to squeeze out a game-winning performance for IND nor for Evan.

The Newcummers vs. The Sexy DC Bitches

Don’t get me wrong – Jen put up a great effort here. Drew Brees, Alfred Morris and Randall Cobb gave her 2 TDs apiece, and Frank Gore gave her a TD before the Bears took over the rest of the Sunday night game. But Brandon Marshall had 3 TDs for Madaniel (is that what we settled on?) including this sick one-handed beauty.

The catch that turned the game around.

Combine that with 25 TTs from their defensive players and remarkable contributions from Nick Foles and LeSean McCoy on Monday, and The Newcummers continue their strong debut to our league.

Bob’s Roethlisbergers vs. Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team

You know what’s kind of funny? Gabe is a Ravens fan, and Chryst’l named her team after the Steelers’ QB. And the Steelers played the Ravens this week and lost. And that’s actually what happened here. That’s also really the only interesting thing about this cut-and-dry matchup.

Chryst’l shows the danger of having too many people from one team – when they have a mediocre or bad day, so do you. Her two Seahawks safeties gave her a paltry 5 points each. And between the Dolphins D/ST and Cameron Wake, she gets -2.5. Not that those few points really mattered. As Chryst’l told me today, “Dez Bryant did me dirty.” And Dan Bailey and Giovani Bernard did too. Did Dan Bailey score the most points for a K this week? Let’s assume yes because I’m too lazy to check.

Gabe wins. But we can still side-eye his very questionable choice in draft picks.

At least he dropped them faster than their teams did?

At least he dropped them faster than their teams did?

White Welkers vs. Don’t Make Me Get My…

If you haven’t noticed, Kristine changed her team name from “Jamaal Night Long,” which is probably wise since he has a high ankle sprain now and was kind of a bust this week. Also sadly for her, Charles Tillman got injured and left the game early, not to return for the season.

It’s not so much that Kristine did poorly as it is that John did extremely well. Jay Cutler (of all people) had 4 TDS! (And randomly 25 rushing yards.) Sammy Watkins, who only had 3 RECs for 31 YDSlast week, had 117 YDS this week and 1 TD, and Jimmy Graham had 118 YDS and 2 TDs. John makes a spectacular comeback and gets the victory this week.

Reverse Mormon vs. RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off

If there is anyone in this league who truly crushed it this week, it’s Sue. With Adrian Peterson out and Stevan Ridley (101 RuYds, 1 TD) and Antonio Gates (96 RecYds and 3 TDS HOLY HELL THAT GUY IS SO OLD HOW DID THAT HAPPEN) on her BENCH for the love of God, she still gets over 200 fantasy points, laying waste to JJ’s team. JJ, you know what to do.

Good players gonna play, play, play, play, play…

It’s On Like Gronkey Kong vs. The Bad Assets

Kevin’s team was all like…

I have no idea what happened here. I think Sue summed it up best when she said, “Wait, did Kevin…is he…like…I mean, did he check?”

We’re just going to have a short moment of silence for Kevin’s team. And then we can congratulate Stef on easily her greatest performance in the history of this league.

NFL Players To Make You Smile

More often than not, NFL players are not terrible people. In fact, while the worst of the league was making a shameful spectacle of itself this week, these people were doing cute/fun things.

The Washington Redskins, videobombing ESPN:

Jermon Bushrod, (T, CHI) being cute about his kids:

photo 1Torrey Smith (WR, BAL) also being super cute about his family:

torreysmithMatt Forte (RB, CHI) who has a cute daughter and super hot wife:

photo 2

Rob Gronkowski (TE, NE) inspiring some Pop Warner Kids. I hope he taught them some dope endzone moves:

photo 3Russell Wilson (QB, SEA) visiting kids at Seattle Children’s Hospital, as per usual

photo 2

Colin Kaepernick (QB, SF) possibly praying for forgiveness for his use of foul language during the Sunday Night game:


Power Rankings

Shakespeare-themed this week so you can get your learn on. Also because I just love Shakespeare, IDK.


League Announcements

If you didn’t already have Venmo, you probably received an invitation to join from JJ. Download the app and join it. It is how we will handle dues this year. JJ will then charge you the $25, which will be kept in an escrow of sorts and then sent out at the end of the season. And there are no fees!

Moreover, if you haven’t already, download What’sApp and then let me/Sue/Donna know when that has been done. We have set up a group chat so all of our trash talking and football opinions can be recorded in one place. It’s more inclusive that way. We want everyone to feel like they are really part of this league. You’ll also be endlessly entertained by Sue’s flawless use of emoticons.