Moves Like Jaguars

Posted: November 14, 2013 in Uncategorized

Holy crap! The Jags won! Which is awesome because I have been waiting all year for them to win so I could use that line. The Bucs won too. We’ll get into that later. But right now, let’s talk about our surprising matchups.

Just kidding! There were none. Every matchup this week went towards the team that was higher in the standings. I guess that’s fine. Let’s recap.

Game of the Week – LEUN vs. BDAS

This was the closest Jen has ever come to a win! There was a mere margin of 11.5 points. Despite starting all the right people in theory. Evan had a really crappy day. Hakeem Nicks, Vincent Jackson and Antonio Gates all underperformed. Jen managed to get some big plays from Alfred Morris, RG3, and Pierre Garcon. Too bad the Redskins didn’t win. If they had won and she had a different DP, she would have gotten her first win of the season! Evan takes the win.

BTW, how cray was Walking Dead on Sunday?!

Quick Hits

JOYF vs. KJ – I’m too lazy to do the math, but I am pretty sure that between Jarrett Boykin, Riley Cooper, and Andre Brown, JOYF had the best bench in the league this week. Thankfully, he managed to start Brandon Marshall, Lesean McCoy, Jordan Reed and the Cardinals D/ST. And even though Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch went into beast mode for KJ, it wasn’t enough to make up for the single digit contributions from everyone else on his team. JOYF finally gets a win after going 0-2 against Dacuma seeblings. Awkward TD celebration time!

He tried it.

MARY vs. VSTR – You know what’s awkward? When the DP you just picked up gets a sick interception – against the team you are rooting for. You know what makes it better? When his sweet and kind of chubby teammate runs down the field with the joy and finesse of a Baywatch lifeguard. MARY took this win and all the pleasure that a high-stepping Nick Fairley can provide.

This is so cute to me! I am so glad someone had the sense to GIF this. That stat though…

Also, GOLDEN TATE FOR ALL THE MAPLE BARS! I knew I could believe in you.

DBNR vs. KEPM – KEPM is clearly out for vengeance after narrowly losing to his sister in the championship. While DBNR had solid performances from her RBs and Andre Johnson and probably the best performance this league has ever seen from a K, she was no match for KEPM. He had 20+ points from all his WRs, a 17 point game from DP Demeco Ryans and probably the worst performance this league has ever seen from a K. The odds are with KEPM in Week 10.

Who’s excited for Catching Fire? I know JJ is. Or at least that’s what he’s going to tell Meg.

BDAS vs. WZSL – The Bongratz is back! After some floundering, WZSL seems to have regained his footing. With nearly 75 points from the bromace between Demariyus Thomas and Peyton Manning, he easily took the lead over BDAS, who’s team did well, but just not well enough. Her winning streak comes to an end, and WZSL is awarded with a win.

Power Rankings

Lady Gaga’s album “Artpop” dropped and it’s pretty sick. Since nostalgia isn’t just for geeks, we are going to celebrate her body of work with this edition of the Power Rankings.


Around the NFL

For those keeping track, Florida is having a pretty terrible year in the NFL. The Miami Dolphins, Jacksonville Jaguars, and Tampa Bay Buccaneers entered Week 10 with a record of 4-20. In fact, the Bucs and Jags were still the only winless teams in the league. But that all changed this weekend!

Fat Florida

All of the Florida teams logos if they were fat. Since they’ve played like they were out of shape.

The Jags actually scored a touchdown! And they looked great doing it! It was a day when the Titans D/ST was widely regarded as the best fantasy defense of the week, but boy do those Jacksonville kids have some heart. They forced four turnovers and one safety against the Tennessee Titans, and at one point had a 13 point lead. People were just shocked during the game.

But these are the Jaguars, right? The Jacksonville Jaguars? Surely they’d blow the lead. Nope. They held onto that lead, and won 29-27. Yeah. People are still shocked.

The Bucs got their first win on Monday night against the Miami Dolphins. As you’d expect from Florida, this was just an overall weird and sloppy game. Due to the recent NFL bullying scandal, the Dolphins were missing both Jonathan Martin and Richie Incognito from their offensive line, and could only muster up 2 rushing yards, the 4th lowest total since 1990. Meanwhile, Tampa Bay ran in a fourth quarter TD with 10 minutes left, and managed to hold on to their lead after blowing a 21-point lead to the Seattle Seahawks last week. Tampa Bay got their first win this season, but the best part about this game was the play action pass to offensive lineman Donald Penn for a touchdown.

The ol’ throw it to the fat guy trick play.

Other News, brought to you by Captain Obvious

Calvin Johnson is really good at football.

Even that Bears fan can’t help but cheer.

Megatron had his 62nd and 63rd career touchdowns on Sunday, setting an Lions franchise record for most career touchdowns. This is one game after he was 9 yards shy from breaking the 338 yard record for most receiving yards in a game.

Rob Gronkowski is an offensive jerk, albeit, hilarious.

GRONK hosted a football viewing party on his BYE week, and then mocked an Asian fan by calling him Leslie Chow (Ken Jeong’s character from the Hangover) and saying he could make fried rice. Definitely racist, and although I’m not laughing at the fan for being Asian, I always find it entertaining when GRONK is…just being GRONK. Not to mention, who can’t make fried rice? It’s just rice with some oil in a pan.

Marshawn Lynch is a beast.

The Seahawks leaned heavily on Marshawn Lynch, who ran for 145 yards and a touchdown while leading the ‘Hawks to a 33-10 victory over the Atlanta Falcons. I shall note, that both mascots are birds, and Atlanta’s NBA team is named the Hawks, so don’t get confused.

Dwayne Bowe smokes pot. Wait, what?

Bowe MJ

Well, so maybe this one isn’t so obvious. But Dwayne Bowe was arrested for speeding and possession of marijuana on Sunday. What’s obvious is that Bowe has had a disappointing season, and maybe now we know why he’s looked so lethargic on the field!

League News

Remember how I said last week was the last bye week, but I was too lazy to check? I lied. Now it’s the last bye week. I think. I’m actually too lazy to check. Tune in next week to see if I am right.

Sue, KJ and Kristine got tattoos together! Bongratz almost got another one, too. Can you guess who’s who? Hint, KJ is the one with a beard.


In other exciting news, the Dacuma siblings will be reporting live (i.e. updating their Facebook statuses) from Safeco Stadium where the Seahawks host the Vikings. With any luck, victory shall be in our favor and we can dance like this kid:

See you next week! There may be Catching Fire-themed power rankings in your future if the odds are in your favor.


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