O Championship, O Championship…

Posted: December 31, 2013 in Uncategorized
Tags: ,

First thing’s first – Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Or Happy Holidays to all those of non-Judeo Christian roots. I hope everyone is having a lovely time with friends and family, gorging themselves on sweet and savory treats. Enjoy the warm fuzziness now so you have something fondly to remember when your post-fantasy football season withdrawal sinks in.


Congratulations to Mary! Her team The One Who Knocks was tied for first with the best record in the league at 10-3, then went on a tear through the playoffs, scoring the most points in the postseason, and taking our league’s Fantasy Football Championship for her own! Her team, lead by Jamaal Charles and Eric Decker, soundly defeated both the wildcard warrior Everyday I’m Russelin’ and Midwest division winner Wizzard Sleeves by putting up a whopping 407.5 total points in weeks 14 and 15.

In a much anticipated matchup, Mary faced Katniss Everdeen and Pitta Mellark in the Fantasy Super Bowl, and celebrated with one of the most lopsided wins of the season. Eric Decker scored 2 touchdowns and exploded for 39 fantasy points. The Tributes from District 12, however, could have used a couple parachutes, as 6 of their offensive players averaged just 6 points each. JJ’s team only scored 95.5 points, which was its lowest output of the season. Not a great effort on the most important fantasy week of the season.

JJ’s team has now lost in the Fantasy Championship in 3 straight years, losing to Evan in 2011, Sue last year, and Mary this year.

Sue stated, “Whenever you play JJ in the finals, you win! He’s like Peyton Manning!” I prefer to be compared to William Jennings Bryan, three-time presidential election loser.

Presidential Table

Meanwhile, Mary points out that in our four year league history, three of the four champions are women. “Girl power!” she adds.

League Champs

So congratulations to Mary, who still pulled out a championship even after admittedly drafting her defense and kicker too early because she didn’t realize there were more bench spots. It’s hard to think that this is the same person who had pretty much given up entirely on this season after Week 1, and channeled her inner Eeyore when sending me the following sequence of depressing, mopey texts:


Wow, Mary, calm the eff down. Overacting much?

In other notes, Quizz on Your Face benefitted from a last-minute game-winning #PICKSIX by Navarro Bowman on Monday night, edging Wizzard Sleeves 170 – 165.5 to win 3rd place and end up in the money. On the other hand, RG3 Kirk Cousins’ Sexy DC Bitches lost to Vinegar Strokes, capping the first completely winless season in our league. Better luck next year!

Here are the final standings:

1. The One Who Knocks (Mary)

2. Katniss Evereen and Pitta Mellark (JJ)

3. Quizz on Your Face (Jayson)

4. Wizzard Sleeves (Senor Bongratz)

5. Everyday I’m Russellin (KJ)

6. Team Leung (Evan)

7. The Bad Assets (Stef)

8. Dangerous Boners (Sue)

9. Vinegar Strokes (Kristine)

10. Team Sexy DC Bitches (Jen)

The All-Fantasy Team

Now that the season is over, here’s a look at the best players this season. Hopefully you drafted or picked up some of these guys.

QB Peyton Manning (WZSL): 5211 YDS, 51 TDs, 10 INTs, 442 Fantasy Points

Was this even a question? Peyton Manning spent the year tossing touchdowns with as much ease as if he was playing flag football at the park. Through Week 16, he’s already broken Tom Brady’s record by throwing 51 touchdowns this season, and he still has a week left. I watched Tom Brady set the record in 2006 by throwing his 50th to Randy Moss in week 17, and it was magical. And yet, Peyton has made it seem even more amazing and even easier this year. There’s no question he will be this year’s MVP.

Throw Touchdowns. Set Records. Fuck Bitches.

RB Jamaal Charles (MARY):  1980 Total Yards, 70 Receptions, 19 TDs, 395 Fantasy Points

Peyton Manning is going to win the NFL MVP award, but Jamaal Charles is probably this year’s fantasy MVP. Not only has he smoked all of his competition at running back, but he was a top running back every week. For 15 straight weeks, he was always a good play. And as a bonus, he was at his best when it counted most, as his playoff totals were 33, 67, and 27 in weeks 14, 15, and 16 respectively. It’s no wonder Mary closed her season with a championship.

Jamaal Charles scores his 5th TD against the Raiders in Week 15…

…and one Raiders fan was not happy about it.

RB LeSean McCoy (JOYF):  2012 Total Yards, 10 TDs, 326 Fantasy Points

How did this guy slip to #17 overall in our draft? Shady McCoy is the only back to have broken 2000 total yards this season so far, and leads the NFL in rushing by almost 200 yards. He’s shown his electric moves all season long, and deserves to be ranked the #2 running back this year.

RB Matt Forte (KEPM): 1776 Total Yards, 70 Receptions, 9 TDs, 310 Fantasy Points

Matt Forte has always been tagged with being a top PPR play, but outside the top-10 as a fantasy player. But this year has been different. Under Mark Trestman’s offense, he’s been a top player and has taken over the Bears offense. His open field abilities have allowed him to earn fantasy points without being a touchdown dependent player.

WR Calvin Johnson (KEPM): 84 REC, 1492 YDS, 12 TDs, 328 PTS

Megatron continues to be the best receiver in the NFL, although this year he does have competition. He is tied for 1st in receiving touchdowns, despite the fact that he’s constantly double and triple teamed.

Calvin Johnson scoffs at your poor attempt at triple coverage.

WR Josh Gordon (LEUN): 80 REC, 1564 YDS, 9 TDs, 323 PTS

Somehow, Josh Gordon leads the league in receiving yards, even though he was suspended the first two games of the season! Evan picked him up in the 15th round of our draft, making Josh Gordon the best steal in our draft. His highlights include weeks 12 and 13, in which he posted consecutive 200+ yard games.

WR Antonio Brown (BDAS/KEPM): 101 REC, 1412 YDS, 8 TDs, 309 PTS

Antonio Brown’s 1412 receiving yards ranked third, only behind the two guys listed above him here, not to mention he’s broken the century mark in catches. There have been plenty of great receivers this year, but what puts Brown above most is his consistency – he’s had exactly zero bad games this year, while also scoring 20+ points eight times this year.

TE Jimmy Graham (KJ): 81 REC, 1144 YDS, 15 TDs, 313 PTS

This one wasn’t close. There haven’t been very many good tight ends this year. Maybe about 5 really good ones, a couple  mediocre ones, and the rest should just sit on your bench. But Jimmy Graham has stood head and shoulders above everybody else. His 313 fantasy points put him would make him the #3 wide receiver this year, and yet, he gets to sit in your crappy TE slot. That’s called beating the system. To put his elite year in perspective, Martellus Bennett is the #10 TE this year with 161 points. Jimmy Graham has almost twice as many points as Bennett.

Jimmy Graham bending goal post in celebration.

Thankfully, we have just the guy!

IDP Karlos Dansby (KJ): 116 Tackles, 6 Sacks, 4 INTs, 2 TDs, 181.5 PTS

Karlos Dansby can do it all. His versatility has lead him to becoming the top scoring defensive player this year. As both a pass rusher and cover guy, he has lead the Arizona Cardinals to becoming a top fantasy defense.

The man can do it all.

IDP Vontaze Burfict (MARY): 156 Tackles, 3 Sacks, 3 TOs, 1 TD, 168 PTS

Getting tackles is the easiest way for defensive players to score fantasy points, and Vontaze Burfict is a tackling machine. Not only does he have one of the coolest names, but he leads the entire league in total tackles, helping him become one of the most consistent fantasy players this year.

Seattle Seahawks D/ST (BDAS): 14.8 PA/GM, 26 INT, 184 PTS

The Seahawks have one of the stingiest defenses, but their ability to win the turnover battle is what makes them this year’s #1 defense. The Legion of Boom takes over, especially at home, with a league leading 26 INTs.

I can’t wait to see more of this in the playoffs.

K Stephen Gostkowski (KJ): 34/37 FGs, 5/6 50+, 42/42 XP, 169.5 PTS

I don’t know how they do it, but the New England Patriots seem to always get themselves the best kicker in the league. Gostkowski was the #1 kicker in the draft, and deservedly so. He scored in double digits in 10 of his 15 games, and ranks 2nd in most field goals. He doesn’t have as many extra point attempts as Matt Prater, but he still gets his opportunities, considering he plays with Tom Brady.

He recovers his own onside kicks too?!

Honorable Mention:
QB Drew Brees (MARY): 4781 YDS, 35 TD, 12 INT, 363 PTS

RB Knowshon Moreno (DBNR): 1522 YDS, 12 TDs, 278 PTS

RB Marshawn Lynch (KJ): 1472 YDS, 13 TDs, 268 PTS

WR AJ Green (BDAS) : 94 REC, 1365 YDS, 10 TDs, 318 PTS

WR Demaryius Thomas (WZSL): 86 REC, 1317 YDS, 12 TDs, 312 PTS

WR Brandon Marshall (JOYF): 94 REC, 1221 YDS, 11 TDs, 298 PTS

WR Alshon Jeffrey (WZSL): 1446 TOT YDS, 86 REC, 7 TDs, 295 PTS

TE Julius Thomas (VSTR): 752 YDS, 12 TDs, 219 PTS

TE Vernon Davis (VSTR): 805 YDS, 12 TDs, 214 PTS

IDP Navarro Bowman (JOYF): 135 TKL, 4 SCK, 3 FF, 170 PTS

IDP Lavonte David (MARY/JOYF/KEPM): 138 TKL, 6 SCK, 5 INT, 164.5 PTS

IDP Paul Posluszny (MARY/JOYF): 152 TKL, 3 SCK, 2 INT, 161.5 PTS

Panthers D/ST (MARY): 14.7 PA/GM, 51 SCK, 29 TO, 176 PTS

Chiefs D/ST (KJ): 18.5 PA/GM, 35 TO, 11 TDs, 160 PTS

K Matt Prater (LEUN): 23/24 FG, 71/71 XP, 167 PTS

In Closing (almost)

I hope you guys have had a lot of fun this year. I really do try as hard as I can to make it an awesome experience for you guys. (Actually, I do it for me. I like it. I’m good at it. And I feel alive.)

There’s one more LM note coming soon, and it will cover some rule changes I’ve been thinking about making for next season, but this is the last LM note of 2013 recapping our season. Congrats to the people who did well – I’ll make sure Sue gets you your prize money. And to those whose odds were not in their favor, I wish you better luck in 2014. I hope to see you guys at the draft next year, but until then, enjoy our last LM note, the NFL playoffs, and fantasy basketball.


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