A New(b) Season

Posted: September 10, 2014 in Uncategorized

Football is finally here! The fantastic kind, of course. Before I talk about this past weekend’s matchups, let’s ring in the new season with a song, shall we?

Quick Hits

Matchup of the Week: Reverse Mormon vs. The Newcummers

This was a back-and-forth matchup between two life long besties, Sue and Donna (and Raniel). Sue started with the lead on Thursday, getting 38 combined points from QB Russell Wilson and WR Jordy Nelson. Donna responded with a great Sunday – 5 of her 7 offensive starters had 18 or more points, including a 30 point game from WR Antonio Brown, who had 5 catches for 116 yards, 1 touchdown, and 1 flying front heel kick to a punter’s face.

By the end of Sunday night, Sue was down, 149 – 173, but she was projected to score 169.

"It's Gonna Get Dirty" - Sue

And dirty it got. Unfortunately for Sue, it’s only because WR Victor Cruz and DE Jason Pierre-Paul did her dirty, combining for a lousy 5 points. Donna and Raniel win, 173 – 154.

Jamaal Night Long vs. It’s On Like GRONKey Kong

Thursday night’s opener between the Seahawks and Packers featured a dominating 110 yard, 2 TD rushing performance from Marshawn Lynch, and KJ couldn’t be any happier about that. Thanks to Beast Mode, KJ started with a 29-point lead, and never looked back. He also got a lot of defensive help from JJ Watt, Paul Posluszny, and Harrison Smith, who combined for 41 points. Meanwhile, Kristine dropped Nick Roach to pick up Daryl Smith, but didn’t put him in her lineup in time and ended up without a starting LB, and only ended up with 19 points from her starting IDPs. Lesson learned: Make sure you reset your lineup after you make a transaction! Kristine still got a strong Sunday night 3 touchdown game from Julius Thomas to catch up, but in the end, KJ ends up taking this one, 185 to 161.

White Welkers vs. Bob’s Roethlisbergers

Wow, what a blowout. Senor Bongratz had one of the worst defensive weekends I can remember. Two of John’s defensive players, LB Derrick Johnson and DE Jadeveon Clowney, both got injured Sunday and will miss major time. DE Jared Allen and the Rams D/ST combining for zero points. The lone bright spot was how well DB Richard Sherman played. Too bad Sherman was so dominant that Aaron Rodgers didn’t even look toward Sherman’s side of the field, and Sherman’s only point came from the Seahawks win.

Listen up, kiddos. Here’s your fantasy football tip of the day:  Dominant corners in the NFL can make terrible fantasy players.

Meanwhile for Chryst’l, where doesn’t this game go right? She puts up 177 total points, including 17 from a clutch Wednesday pickup of the Lions D/ST. This matchup was over once it started, and Chryst’l said “I’m gonna get you succotash!” Final score: 88 – 177.

Burger of the Day: The I’m Gonna Get You Succotash Burger (comes with succotash)

RaShake It Off, RaShake It Off vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

This had some good pre-game banter. Mary didn’t know that the kicker she drafted, Alex Henery, had been cut by the Eagles. Of course, I could tell her, but where’s the fun in that?

Being Cutthroat

JJ started out with a great Sunday morning, the highlight of which was Kicker Matt Bryant hitting a 50 yard field goal at the end of regulation, and then another 50 yard game-winner in overtime. It was like a free 10 points in about 5 minutes.

Then things started to go south. Tony Romo threw 3 interceptions Sunday afternoon and could only muster up 10 points. Mary almost caught up after QB Matt Stafford threw for a walloping 40 points on Monday night, but it was all for naught, as Mary came up about 15 points short, and JJ won 174 – 159.5.

The Bad Assets vs. Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team

Get this: Gabe had two players who both scored more than forty points (Matt Ryan and Calvin Johnson), and also had two players who both laid an egg (Bernard Pierce, Jordan Reed). And he STILL put up 170 fantasy points! Stef’s team just could not keep up.

Team Leung vs. Team Sexy DC Bitches

Evan’s team made a good effort, as Peyton Manning, DeMarco Murray, and Vernon Davis both scored more than 20 points, but it just wasn’t good enough, since Jen had enough solid games from her team to barely win it. Also Evan, you should get a new kicker.

Who’s Having the Best Week Ever?

I wanted to get this league bumped up to 12 teams to make it more competitive. Did it work? Check out the six winners from Week 1:

  • It’s On Like Gronkey Kong (KJ): 185 points
  • Bob’s Roethlisbergers (Chryst’l): 177 points
  • RaShake It Off, RaShake It Off (JJ): 174 points
  • Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team (Gabe): 170 points
  • The Newcummers (Donna/Raniel): 173 points
  • Team Sexy DC Bitches (Jen): 145 points

Notice anything? All five of the teams that joined us the last two years won, and four of those five won big. KJ knocked it out of the park and scored the most points this week, and Jen won her first game ever in this league after not winning a single one last year! So I guess it worked. This league is more competitive, because our league’s newbies are having the best week ever.

Team Names

A lot of our teams change names each year. It’s a new season, and we got a lot of great new names this year, but that means we lost a lot of good ones as well. Let’s take a look at some of the best team names this league has seen.

TV and Movie References

Yamo Be There – The first awesome team name we had in the league, which stems a scene from The 40 Year Old Virgin that’s so funny it yah mo burns my sides.

Vinegar Strokes – Another gem from Kristine. For those of you who don’t know, vinegar strokes are the face you make when you orgasm, because it looks like you just took a deep whiff of vinegar. Legend has it that if you see another man’s vinegar strokes, you can see into his soul.

Wizzard Sleeves – A charming reference to Borat Sagdiyev’s wife.

Your Mom’s Favorite Fantasy Team – This is not an insult toward you. It’s from the NFL Play 60 commercial with the little kid who wants to be Cam Newton’s Mom’s favorite player. Although I guess he does cross the line a little.

Wordplay-ers (ah? get it? right? because it’s wordplay? and players?)

So Call Me Brady – Because who can forget the song of Summer 2012? Don’t tell me you haven’t fist pumped to this before, you fucking liar. And nothing says fantasy football, or anything even remotely sports related like good ol’ CRJ.

Everyday I’m Russellin – Probably the most seamless use of a player’s name in this league.

Katniss Evereen and Pitta Mellark – Yup I put my own team name here. I’m quite proud of this one. I mean, a double player reference? That’s definitely a league record. Not to mention it also led to one of the best team logos.

Katniss and Peeta

Things About Penises

Dangerous Boners – Man, do I love a good penis joke, and even more-so when it’s football relevant. This team name strikes fear in the hearts of many, with a subtle hint of hilarity.

The Newcummers – HAHA! Everytime I say “Newcummers” to myself, I can’t help but laugh. It’s the perfect name for Donna and Raniel, who are new to the league. And overall, it’s just funny sounding. “Cummer.” “Cumming.” It rolls right off the tongue. “Cum.” Short and sweet. Because it contains glucose.

The Shameless Self-Reference

Ndamukong Sue – If I was reading this, you’d never know it was a pun!

Team Bulaon Cube – I had to put this here. It’s an awkward pun that took some people weeks to get. It’s funny  in the same way that Snakes on a Plane is funny.

NFL Penises We’d Like To See

During a group text session during the SEA vs. GB game, Sue mention how happy Jen was to have Seattle’s D. The conversation quickly turned to other D’s in the NFL we’d be happy to have. Mary may or may not be responsible for that. But here’s where we landed.

peen chartPower Rankings

For the newbs, each week ESPN gives our league power rankings, which basically rank your team in order of your potential to win a championship. ESPN also automatically generates some really cheesy commentary that we like to change according a theme.

The Lion King just celebrated its 20th anniversary. That film was easily the best version of Hamlet to ever hit the big screen, and possibly Jonathan Taylor Thomas’s best work. We honor it now with our Week 1 power rankings.

week1rankings

League Announcements

This year we will be handling dues via Venmo because it’s a nice holding cell for monies and doesn’t require fees. If you haven’t downloaded the Venmo app, you should go ahead and do that. You’ll probably find it useful in the future anyway. Dues are $20 and will be payable to Sue.

Also, in the spirit of having a more competitive league, we encourage you all to step it up on your trash talk and general football-related banter. We think it’s more fun. There are message boards available on ESPN that we already know nobody will use. There’s also text and Facebook. Make friends with people. The Internet makes it okay to stalk people you barely know. Plus, the screenshots make for great LM note material.

 

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