Hide Your Wife, Hide Your Kids

Posted: September 18, 2014 in Uncategorized

Was that too soon?

Okay fine. Let’s get straight to it then.

Quick Hits (No Pun Intended)

Matchup of the Week: Don’t Touch My Spork vs. Team Leung

After a solid start with the Ravens D/ST on Thursday, Mary went stagnant Sunday morning with disappointing performances from Cordarrelle Patterson, Michael Floyd and Lamar Miller, who left the game in the 4th quarter with an inury. And for all of Blair Walsh’s good looks and accuracy, none of that matters when the team can’t even get into field goal range. In fact, because of the MIN loss and DEN victory, Evan’s K Matt Prater scored more points than Walsh, and Prater didn’t even play. Meanwhile, Demarco Murray ran all over TEN, and Peyton Manning did Peyton Manning-y things like throwing 3 TDs, giving Evan a really solid lead. But Morgan Burnett came up big for Mary, and Martellus Bennett managed to grab a TD in the CHI comeback on SNF.

I totally called this before it happened. Sue and Gabe were there and can vouch for me.

Evan’s hopes all rested with Reggie Wayne and Trent Richardson. Sadly, neither managed to squeeze out a game-winning performance for IND nor for Evan.

The Newcummers vs. The Sexy DC Bitches

Don’t get me wrong – Jen put up a great effort here. Drew Brees, Alfred Morris and Randall Cobb gave her 2 TDs apiece, and Frank Gore gave her a TD before the Bears took over the rest of the Sunday night game. But Brandon Marshall had 3 TDs for Madaniel (is that what we settled on?) including this sick one-handed beauty.

The catch that turned the game around.

Combine that with 25 TTs from their defensive players and remarkable contributions from Nick Foles and LeSean McCoy on Monday, and The Newcummers continue their strong debut to our league.

Bob’s Roethlisbergers vs. Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team

You know what’s kind of funny? Gabe is a Ravens fan, and Chryst’l named her team after the Steelers’ QB. And the Steelers played the Ravens this week and lost. And that’s actually what happened here. That’s also really the only interesting thing about this cut-and-dry matchup.

Chryst’l shows the danger of having too many people from one team – when they have a mediocre or bad day, so do you. Her two Seahawks safeties gave her a paltry 5 points each. And between the Dolphins D/ST and Cameron Wake, she gets -2.5. Not that those few points really mattered. As Chryst’l told me today, “Dez Bryant did me dirty.” And Dan Bailey and Giovani Bernard did too. Did Dan Bailey score the most points for a K this week? Let’s assume yes because I’m too lazy to check.

Gabe wins. But we can still side-eye his very questionable choice in draft picks.

At least he dropped them faster than their teams did?

At least he dropped them faster than their teams did?

White Welkers vs. Don’t Make Me Get My…

If you haven’t noticed, Kristine changed her team name from “Jamaal Night Long,” which is probably wise since he has a high ankle sprain now and was kind of a bust this week. Also sadly for her, Charles Tillman got injured and left the game early, not to return for the season.

It’s not so much that Kristine did poorly as it is that John did extremely well. Jay Cutler (of all people) had 4 TDS! (And randomly 25 rushing yards.) Sammy Watkins, who only had 3 RECs for 31 YDSlast week, had 117 YDS this week and 1 TD, and Jimmy Graham had 118 YDS and 2 TDs. John makes a spectacular comeback and gets the victory this week.

Reverse Mormon vs. RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off

If there is anyone in this league who truly crushed it this week, it’s Sue. With Adrian Peterson out and Stevan Ridley (101 RuYds, 1 TD) and Antonio Gates (96 RecYds and 3 TDS HOLY HELL THAT GUY IS SO OLD HOW DID THAT HAPPEN) on her BENCH for the love of God, she still gets over 200 fantasy points, laying waste to JJ’s team. JJ, you know what to do.

Good players gonna play, play, play, play, play…

It’s On Like Gronkey Kong vs. The Bad Assets

Kevin’s team was all like…

I have no idea what happened here. I think Sue summed it up best when she said, “Wait, did Kevin…is he…like…I mean, did he check?”

We’re just going to have a short moment of silence for Kevin’s team. And then we can congratulate Stef on easily her greatest performance in the history of this league.

NFL Players To Make You Smile

More often than not, NFL players are not terrible people. In fact, while the worst of the league was making a shameful spectacle of itself this week, these people were doing cute/fun things.

The Washington Redskins, videobombing ESPN:

Jermon Bushrod, (T, CHI) being cute about his kids:

photo 1Torrey Smith (WR, BAL) also being super cute about his family:

torreysmithMatt Forte (RB, CHI) who has a cute daughter and super hot wife:

photo 2

Rob Gronkowski (TE, NE) inspiring some Pop Warner Kids. I hope he taught them some dope endzone moves:

photo 3Russell Wilson (QB, SEA) visiting kids at Seattle Children’s Hospital, as per usual

photo 2

Colin Kaepernick (QB, SF) possibly praying for forgiveness for his use of foul language during the Sunday Night game:

kaepernick

Power Rankings

Shakespeare-themed this week so you can get your learn on. Also because I just love Shakespeare, IDK.

week2powerrankings_family

League Announcements

If you didn’t already have Venmo, you probably received an invitation to join from JJ. Download the app and join it. It is how we will handle dues this year. JJ will then charge you the $25, which will be kept in an escrow of sorts and then sent out at the end of the season. And there are no fees!

Moreover, if you haven’t already, download What’sApp and then let me/Sue/Donna know when that has been done. We have set up a group chat so all of our trash talking and football opinions can be recorded in one place. It’s more inclusive that way. We want everyone to feel like they are really part of this league. You’ll also be endlessly entertained by Sue’s flawless use of emoticons.

rain

 

 

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