The Beyonce-themed Post You’ve All Been Waiting For…

Posted: September 25, 2014 in Uncategorized

This past Saturday, HBO released their special edition recording of the Bey+J’s On the Run Tour as was taped in Paris (and other locations, if you were paying attention to their really shitty editing). Finally, I have the excuse I needed to post as many Beyonce-related things as possible. Warning: you may be overwhelmed. Second warning: This might not be the only time this happens. I promise you NOTHING.

Matchup of the Week 1: The Newcummers vs. Don’t Touch My Spork

Madaniel has been crushing it, making the rest of the league wonder if two heads are really better than one (because Madonna actually does help with the lineup, you know):


Mary was in dire straits from the beginning, projected to lose by about 30 points. It didn’t help that she played Arian Foster, who was out. And Matthew Stafford was  a comedy of errors against the Packers – not a TD to his name, 2 INTs and 1 FUM. Madaniel fared much better Sunday morning with a beautiful revenge TD from newly-minted Redskin DeSean Jackson, and 24 points from Philip Rivers laying the hurt on the Bills. They suffered somewhat of a setback by playing the Panther’s D/ST (losing 9 points in the process), but got a 2 TD game out of Antonio Brown.

Despite having strong, though not remarkable, contributions from the rest of her offensive players (including Blair Walsh, who scored all of the Vikings’ points that day), Mary’s chances of overthrowing The Newcummers were slim. She was down 15 points on Monday with only Martellus Bennett left to play, while Madaniel had both Brandon Marshall and Chris Johnson. All was nearly lost when Marshall scored a TD. But a sudden twist of fate – Marshall’s TD was recalled due to a penalty, and Martellus Bennett ended up scoring a TD instead, causing a 12 point swing in Mary’s favor. Bennett would later score another TD, while an injured Marshall and Chris Johnson would see very little action. In a surprising turn of events, Mary hands Madaniel their very first loss.

That’s cool though. Raniel apparently got Donna Jimmy Butler for their 2 year anniversary. And that’s almost as good.

jimmy butler

This was a pretty awesome present, NGL. And I bet Raniel totally planned it.

Matchup of the Week 2: Sexy DC Bitches vs. Reverse Mormon

Sue and Jen are super cute together at all times. But Jen made it very clear that their matchup was serious business.


It was a bloody battle between these besties – the two of them are both down a player! Pitta injured his hip and left the game with only 4 points for Jen and is now on IR. Tyvon Branch managed to score Sue 7.5 points before fracturing his foot. He’s expected to be put on IR any minute now.

The vast majority of Jen’s team underperformed. All her offensive players outside of her QB and Flex scored between 0-8 points. And none of her defensive players scored more than 9.5. But hark! Andrew Luck with his 43 points! And then Greg Jennings and Stephen Gotskowski with 11 apiece. Would it be enough?

Nope. 2 TDs from Russel Wilson, 147 YDS from Le’Veon Bell and another TD from Greg Olsen were enough to tip Sue over the edge. Sue takes the win and Jen takes her team…

Quick Hits

Don’t Make Me Get My Switch vs. The Bad Assets

Kristine’s a survivor. She’s not gon’ give up. She’s not gon’ stop. She’s gon’ work harder. Case in point: her very first win this year!

RaShake it Off, RaShake it Off vs. Team Leung

Someone better ring the alarm, because Evan isn’t awake yet. JJ takes the win and nobody is surprised.

“He didn’t set his lineup AGAIN?!”

Your Mom’s Fav Fantasy Team vs. White Welkers

Gabe handled the White Welkers with more deft than Samwell Tarly handled the White Walkers (or anything really). Gabe becomes the only undefeated person in the league thus far. OH btw, we can totally call him Dr. Gabe Ferguson now, and I feel like we should sometimes, if only for the LOLs.

Raise a glass to the college grad!

It’s On Like Gronkey Kong vs. Bob’s Roethlisbergers

Girls may run the world, but Chryst’l must’ve bumped her head. KJ rebounds from his deplorable showing last week to taking an easy victory.

Power Rankings


Troll Trades (from JJ)

Earlier this week, I placed Brandon Marshall on my trading block. Not the Brandon Marshall who’s an awesome wide receiver for the Chicago Bears, but the linebacker Brandon Marshall from the Denver Broncos who was playing on the practice squad last year. But eh, who actually knows who that guy is? It wouldn’t be the first time people confused the two Brandon Marshalls.

I wondered who would actually recognize Bronco Marshall if they saw him in a trade offer. So I sent trade offers to about half the league to try and swing him for a better player. Of course, if I were trading the Brandon Marshall from the Bears, it would be an obvious win for the other team. But I’m trading the Brandon Marshall from the Broncos, so it’s a pretty clear trade rape. Who’s gonna notice anyway?
Here’s a screenshot of some of the trades I sent out:
Troll Trades
I thought I was sure to get someone, up until Kristine publicly outed me.
Troll Trades FB
Oh well, I wouldn’t have accepted the trade anyway if someone had fell for it. I was more excited to dabble in some name shenanigans. I mean, can you believe it I could score both Brandon Marshalls? What about if I had both Browns TE Jordan Cameron and Saints DE Cameron Jordan?!
Moral of the story: trades are out there. The best ones are when both teams are happy. Go try one.

League Announcements

So far, only three people have paid their dues, and a majority of this league hasn’t even downloaded/signed up for Venmo. Do that. Then pay your dues. Failure to do so by next week’s LM note will result in you being called out.

Also, bye weeks are going to be a thing between now and Week 12. Please mind the byes or I will send some enforcers to embarrass you on Facebook coerce you.

Like this one. EVAN.





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