Happy Halloween!
Have some Skittles.
Marshawn Lynch calls them “Power Pellets.”
This week, we had some pretty spectacular bench fails. These were decisions that could have changed the wins and losses entirely. But games are won on a bench and there’s no looking back once your players lock. So here’s what happened in our league this week.
Game of the Week – VSTR vs. DBNR
Sue had been aching for a win the way vampires need blood. Kristine happened to be that lowly victim. You see, Kristine forgot to set her lineup. And with C.J. Spiller still taking a spot and empty spaces at WR and K, she didn’t have a chance.
You know what’s kind of funny, though? If you looked at their box score, at the top right corner the matchup is listed as “Strokes vs. Boners.” I think in real life, in the case of strokes and boners, everyone wins.
LEUN vs. KJ
Team Leung started the matchup with four players playing Thursday night. Evan’s players, Cam Newton, DeAngelo Williams, Steve Smith, and Vincent Jackson, only combined for 40 fantasy points, but Carolina Panther QB Cam Newton did have a big game with 2 passing TDs and 1 rushing TD. Great game and a great win, although it did not help him with the Halloween frights.
Josh Gordon provided Evan’s team with another 5 catches, 132 yards, and 1 TD for 26 fantasy points on Sunday, and Evan finished with 148.5 points.
4 total touchdowns on Sunday from Jimmy Graham and Dez Bryant started KJ’s team off, but had some catching up to do down 148.5 – 112.5 by Sunday night, with Russell Wilson and Marshawn Lynch left to play. On Monday, the Seahawks were expected to blow out the Rams, but struggled against a strong St. Louis defense. Wilson had a nice touchdown throw to WR Golden Tate (which lead to a taunting penalty), but otherwise, the Seahawks’ backfield could not capitalize and KJ’s team ended up losing 134.5 – 148.5.
Golden Tate gets a flag for taunting, because they regulate the decisions of grown men in this league.
A win for Evan and a loss for KJ moves both teams into 0.500, and Evan now has the head-to-head lead against KJ for a playoff spot. Sad loss for KJ on Monday Night, but he can take consolation in Tavon Austin’s hilarious fall.
Quick Hits
District 12 vs. The Bad Assets – JJ’s team has Calvin Johnson. He wins 190 – 155.5
Wizzard Sleeves vs. Team Sexy DC Bitches – Andre Ellington fills in for an injured Rashard Mendenhall for 30 fantasy points and an underperforming Redskins team scores less than 50 fantasy points. John beats Jen 130 – 49.5.
Quizz on Your Face vs. The One Who Knocks – Golden Tate for 30 points and all the maple bars! It didn’t help that Matt Ryan threw 4 interceptions, severely hampering Jayson’s performance. Mary takes the win for the second year in a row for their anniversary matchup.
Power Rankings
Halloween-themed, obvs.
Around the NFL
KC Chiefs Remain Undefeated – They are the only undefeated team in the NFL! Which is amazing when you consider that they won all of 2 games last year. I also wanted to bring this up as an excuse to include a photo of baby Andy Reid.
That baby is 8-0
Cowboys vs. Lions – This was easily the best game of the week.
- Calvin Johnson racked up 336 receiving yards, the highest number of receiving yards by one player in a game that did not go into overtime. And he tied an NFL record for most number of games with 200+ receiving yards with this fifth game.
- How amusing was Dez Bryant flipping out at his fellow Cowboys every time the Lions did something good? Bryant claims that it was all positive. Announcer Brian Billick claimed he was being a “spoiled brat.” Then again, Billick also assumed the Cowboys won with a minute and a half on the clock. What do you think?
- WTF WAS THAT LAST MINUTE?! Lions were down by 6 points with a minute on the clock. Starting from the 20, Stafford gives it to Calvin Johnson and then spikes the ball to stop the clock because they are all out of timeouts. Then he throws a 40 yard bomb to Kris Durham who also has the good sense to go out of bounds and stop the clock. Megatron gets it again with a 22 yarder, but is stopped just short of the endzone. And finally, with Megatron totally covered, Stafford jumps himself into the endzone to tie the game. And David Akers gets the XP for the win.
Drew Brees Sets Another Record – Drew Brees had the 2nd best performance on Sunday, passing for 5 touchdowns against the Bills! This is just vintage Drew Brees being Drew Brees. Sunday’s game was actually Brees’ 8th 5-touchdown game, most in NFL history, and one ahead of Peyton Manning.
Terrelle Pryor Set a Record, Too – Rushing QBs are so commonplace now. But how many of them can say they’ve run for a 93 yd TD? Only Terrelle Pryor can. He set a record for the longest rush by a TD ever.
And so did Cordarelle Patterson – He had a 109 kickoff return for a TD, the longest kick return TD in NFL history. And now you know who he is!
Some Dude Plays for the NFL and Scores – Andy Dalton threw 4 touchdowns to one of his receivers. But it wasn’t AJ Green! It was Marvin Jones!
Wait, what? Who the eff is Marvin Jones?
Apparently, this is a second year receiver who was a 5th round pick in the 2012 NFL Draft. He’s scored for the Bengals before, but nothing like this. And for those of you wondering, yes, he is on the waiver wire!
I don’t know who this guy is, but he looked impressive Sunday.
NFL in London – In an effort to expand globally, the NFL had another game at Wembley Stadium in London. This time, it was the San Francisco 49ers vs. the Jacksonville Jaguars. This was the first of Jacksonville’s four London games, as they will play one each season for the next few years. Why? Mostly because no one in America likes them and will buy their tickets, so they’ve gotta look elsewhere. They’ll probably end up becoming London’s official team in the future.
The 49ers dominated the Jags (surprise, surprise), but London American football fans (no, not half English-half American fans, I meant English fans of American football) were greeted in classic American sports style as they got a chance to see their new mascot in a very personal expose.
I can see his epidermis. Or whatever Jaguars have.
Trade Deadlines – The NFL trade deadline was Tuesday, October 29, 2013 at 4pm ET. Although nothing really happened. But this would be a good time to mention that our trade deadline is in less than a month, on Wednesday, November 20, 12PM ET. So get those offers in!
NFL Halloween Costumes!
Bill Belichick as man who smiles:
Tom Brady and Gisele as the Cowardly Lion and Dorothy: 
Brandon Weeden as Waldo from the best-selling children’s novel, by renowned author Martin Hanford, “Where’s Waldo?”:
SPOILER ALERT: Waldo is on the bench.
LeGarrette Blount, Aqib Talib (in whiteface!) and Brandon Spikes of the NE Patriots
Somehow, Aqib Talib made himself even scarier than usual.
I hope everybody has a great Halloween. Whether you are getting schwasted in the skankiest outfit possible or passing out candy and hoping nobody comes to your door so you can eat it all, have fun. Set your lineup. Best of luck.
The Jay Cutler Van Club 